So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
