I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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