You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
