I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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