my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
