At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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