can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
FUCK WHALES
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
