I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
