I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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