You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Help me help you realize you are a moron
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
