If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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