just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
