Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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