do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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