anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
