Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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