I puked a lego.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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