Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
