she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
