Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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