SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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