In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
either way he was missing a nipple.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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