On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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