Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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