how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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