The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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