Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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