My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
