I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
