Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
