The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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