one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
