1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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