If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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