i permit you to call me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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