Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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