Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
