I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
