I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
