Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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