got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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