Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
