she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
