this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
