My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
