see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All I want is dick and wine.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
