Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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