Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
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these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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