So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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