my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
