Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
