the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
