I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she pinky promised me she was 18
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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