New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
