headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
