I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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