mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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