tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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