dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
