I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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