the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
