quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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