I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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