the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
